Voilà! Two turtle doves

A standard Christmas present bestowed by benign aunts is the humble and common handkerchief. They obviously feel that you can’t go wrong with this, as this gift is tailor made for men in a one size fits all. The hankie caters for the wide ranges in length and runniness of noses. The hankie is not just for Christmas as it can be blown all year round. I eagerly await this season’s offering.

For jailbirds this would be the ideal present. Gathering a few years worth and tying all the hankies together they’d be able to clamber down the wall outside the window of their cell. What they do afterwards, I don’t know? I’m not a prison break out specialist.


As with all things there is an up range market. Handkerchiefs are no different. M & S might be OK for the common people, in upper salons there are firms that make expensive bespoke silk chiefs. Only the very rich use this for nasal ejection purposes. More properly it is used as a fashion accessory in the breast pocket of a suit jacket.

There are many varied ways to tie a handkerchief.
· The Presidential, perhaps the simplest, is folded at right angles to fit in the pocket.
· The TV Fold looks similar but is folded diagonally with the point inside the pocket.
· The One-point Fold is folded diagonally with the point showing.
· The Two-point Fold is folded off-center so the two points do not completely overlap.
· The Puff is simply shaped into a round puff.
· The Reverse Puff is like the Puff, except with the puff inside and the points out, like petals.
· The Straight Shell is pleated and then folded over to give the appearance of nested shells.
· The Diagonal Shell is pleated diagonally and then folded.
(Thanks to Wiki for the folding methods described)

A cousin of mine, son of the hankie-present-giving aunt, swears by his hanky. He does. Like a second home switching MP, he mutters in anger “Flipping hankie”. My cousin is never seen without a hankie stuck to his face. He constantly blows his nose even when the tubes are plainly empty. The sounds emitted when he’s orchestrating his nostrils vary in pitch and tempo. He can rattle off a foghorn bugle then deliver a larghissimo of low timbre only the wolves can make it out.

And not for him the beautiful folding practices previously said. The used chief goes straight into the trouser pocket without a bye or a leave. The crumpled utensil will reappear at the next hint of a blockage. This time covered in the sticking crumbs from the threads of his pocket.

Once upon a time this disgusting implement of his was used for a different function altogether. At a gathering of family members my sister in-law broke one of her fingernails in an unhappy accident with a can of Irn-Bru. I could relate with my relation to this misadventure as breaking a nail can be distressing. She cried in anguish. Quick as a sneeze, in steps the chivalrous cousin offering his soiled piece of cotton to wipe away the tears.

BARRY THE BRONTOSAURUS 1.2